So at the start of the film, there’s a massive EMP from space that shorts out electrical systems all over the Earth. As a result, Brad Pitt’s character falls off the “International Space Antenna” (it’s like a 60-mile high tower) which we’re told is being used by humanity to listen for aliens. The rational being that you need a really really tall antenna – one that reaches all the way into space – to better listen for aliens. But that’s not how radio works. Just getting above the atmosphere doesn’t help you listen for directional radio signals from space – you need a big dish antenna for that and ideally one you can point, not a whip/monopole antenna. If having your antenna in space is the trick, why not just build the fucking thing in space? Better yet, on the far side of the Moon, where the Moon itself blocks out radio interference from Earth? (We’ll come back to that.) Also, can you ever under any circumstances imagine humanity spending what is surely trillions of dollars to build a giant space tower to listen for aliens?
Soon enough, we learn that the EMP is being caused by an anti-matter experiment gone wrong near Neptune and that Brad Pitt’s dad – whose expedition to search for aliens was lost 29 years ago – may be responsible. But why the fuck do you need anti-matter to search for aliens? And if you actually HAD anti-matter 29 years ago, why send humans to Neptune to search for aliens when you could just build a fleet of anti-matter powered robotic space probes and send them out to the nearest stars to search? How the hell could ANYTHING to do with anti-matter near Neptune cause EMPs back on Earth that we’re told threatens all life on the planet? We’re also told that Pitt’s dad’s mission – Project Lima – was sent out to Neptune in order to get past the solar system’s heliopause boundary so as to better search for aliens. But the heliosphere extends WAY beyond the orbit of Neptune. And why the hell would getting past the heliopause help you to better search for aliens? Again, radio doesn’t work that way. We can hear Voyager 1’s radio signals just fine from Earth today – it’s past the heliopause boundary and its 22-watt radio is about as powerful as a refrigerator light bulb. But fuck – never mind.
Anyway, so the US Space Command wants to send Brad Pitt’s character to Mars – the farthest manned US outpost in the solar system – so he can communicate with his dad, who may still be alive, and get him to stop whatever the fuck he’s doing that’s threatening life on Earth. But why does Pitt’s character have to go to Mars to communicate with Neptune? Ahem... “International Space Antenna” anyone? You’ve got the BIGGEST FUCKING RADIO ANTENNA ON THE PLANET RIGHT THERE ON EARTH. Can’t you use that? Because going to Mars doesn’t help you to communicate with Neptune better. Why even have the biggest radio antenna if you don’t use it for stuff like this? (The answer seems to be because the director wanted a scene where Pitt falls off a tower.) Ah fuck it. Moving on.
So Pitt has to go to Mars. Why can’t he just launch to Mars from Earth? Why does he have to fly commercial to the Moon first? (The answer seems to be that the director really wanted a scene where Pitt asks for a space blanket and the Virgin Atlantic stewardess – he’s not even smart enough to name the company Virgin GALACTIC, which is the company’s spaceflight operation – charges him a $150 for it.) Why can’t Pitt just launch into Earth orbit and link up with the Mars ship there? (The answer seems to be that the director really wanted a Moon buggy chase. More on that in a minute). But whatever the fuck.
So Pitt goes to the Moon and arrives on Tycho Base. Which has neon signs for Yoshinoya and other restaurants on the OUTSIDE where nobody actually goes for some goddamn silly reason. But anyway, so Pitt finally get to the moonbase and now he can launch to Mars right? Nope. Because the launch pad for Mars is at another base on the far side of the Moon. So now Pitt’s got to take a moon buggy ride to the far side of the Moon to get to his Mars rocket. I shouldn’t have to tell any of you that launching from the far side of the Moon makes little goddamn difference in going to Mars vs. launching from the Yoshinoya beef bowl base, but again... moon buggy chase.
So Pitt takes his Moon buggy ride, a la the old Rat Patrol TV show. And we learn there are pirates on the Moon now (’cause resources!) and of course there are pirate Moon buggies just lying in wait for Pitt and company, so a Mad Max-style Moon buggy chase begins complete with zap guns and causalities. Pitt finally arrives at the far side base by the skin of his teeth. But permit me a question or two.
Why the fuck are their pirates on the Moon again? Are they Russians? Chinese? Somali? Pittsburgh? If they’re after resources, resources are EVERYWHERE on the Moon. There’s more than enough to go around for everyone. And how fucking bad must the US Space Command be if they can’t stop a fleet of pirate Moon buggies from picking off their soldiers? This isn’t Fallujah for God’s sake. Where the hell are the pirates coming from? A secret pirate base? Then deal with it! At the end of the chase, we see the pirates being taken out by friendly missiles from orbit or somesuch. Hey, I’ve got an idea: Why not track the pirates back to their secret base and take the whole thing out with a missile? End of problem. Oh, but it’s a HIDDEN base you say! To which I reply: Yeah, but there’s no fucking air on the Moon. Which means all you have to do is track the pirate rovers’ tire tracks all the way back to the base to find it. You could do this from orbit. Hell, the kids from Scooby-Doo could do it.
But whatever.
Anyway, so Pitt gets to his Mars rocket, the Cepheus, and they finally launch for Mars. At which point the crew starts taking drugs. Mood stabilizers, so called, because that’s apparently what James Gray figures all astronauts will have to do in space to deal with the stress of space travel (in spite of the fact that the Mars trip is only expected to take 17 days). And yet rather than stabilizing their moods, these pills seem to get all the astronauts high. ’Cause that’s just what you want on a space mission, right?
Moving on... so Pitt and company are on the way to Mars, when suddenly they get a distress call from a Norwegian biomedical research space station that’s apparently in orbit of a comet or asteroid (I forget which). So... why would you put this way out in orbit of a comet (or an asteroid, I forget which) again? Why not just put it in a remote location on the Moon, or in Earth orbit? And why the fuck would you bring adult-sized baboons, which are nasty little fuckers, on that mission? They’re hard enough to deal with in a gravity field, much less in microgravity. And oh by the way, they like to throw their own shit around, which is probably not conducive to good space hygiene. Anyway, the Norwegian biomedical researchers deserved their fucking fate in this film for being so goddamn stupid.
Pitt and the Cepheus crew finally do get to Mars, minus their commander (who was a moron), and just barely (thanks to their second-in-command, who is also a moron and a coward to boot – maybe it was all the drugs?) and now Pitt can communicate with his dad. So... why does the Mars base have an anechoic sound chamber for this purpose? (The answer seems to be because the director thought it looked cool... and of course it’s red ’cause Mars and all.) And didn’t they have an anechoic sound chamber on the “International Space Antenna” back on Earth? Ah, fuck it.
So anyway, by this time Pitt is growing suspicious and he learns that the Cepheus and its crew is now going to be sent out to Neptune with nukes to kill his dad. (Making US Space Command officially the dumbest organization in human history, because these drugged out morons are the last people you should ever give nukes to.) But Pitt is now deemed unstable by his superiors, so he’s being forced to stay in a happy room until he calms down. Naturally, he escapes and (with the help of someone on the base) gets his spacesuit and sneaks off to the launch pad to stow away aboard the Cepheus. But for some reason he has to do this by climbing down from the surface of Mars into an underground sewer pipe filled with water, through which he has to swim in his spacesuit. (’Cause just like the esteemed Dr. JJ Abrams showed us, kids, if spaceships and spacesuits can go in space, they can go in water too!) And for some reason, there’s a rope line in said pipe that he can use to pull himself perfectly along underwater to the very hatch he needs to reach in order to board the Cepheus. Which he does, just as the rocket launches. And because the Cepheus crew are morons, they all kill themselves with their own ineptitude by the time the rocket actually reaches space, conveniently leaving only Pitt and the nukes, ’cause plot and all.
And fuck it, I’m so goddamn done with this movie.
Pitt eventually reaches Neptune and finds his dad and it’s stupid but somehow we’re supposed to find it all deeply profound, ’cause Pitt sheds a space tear. Turns out his daddy just went far out space nuts because he didn’t find what he was looking for. And Pitt gets back to Earth by surfing a nuclear explosion. Ugh. I’ll spare you the details.
Except this one: On board the Lima Project spacecraft or station or whatever it is, there are a couple of signs. They’re identical to ones aboard the real International Space Station (pictured below). These are jokes for the crew, because the orbital speed of the ISS relative to an observer on the ground is roughly 17,500 mph (or 28,000 kps). I would bet you a $1000 right now that the reason those signs are aboard the Lima Project set in this movie is because the film’s lazy production designer (who, based on the design of the spaceships in this film, is obviously a Kerbal Space Program enthusiast) saw them in pictures of the ISS and figured he’d include them ’cause authenticity! Except the speed of ANY spacecraft that can reach the outer solar system (where Neptune and the heliopause are) is VASTLY HIGHER than this; 17,500 is only accurate for the ISS. Certainly not for the Lima Project.
To sum: Ad Astra is the dumbest goddamn space movie I have ever seen.
It’s Armageddon dumb, Disney’s Mission to Mars dumb, Battlefield Earth dumb, Space Cowboys dumb, Prometheus dumb, The Happening dumb, almost Hot Tub Time Machine dumb.
Hell, Lost in Space makes more sense... and I’m talking about the ORIGINAL Irwin Allen show, not the new Netflix reboot. But that makes more sense than this film too.
Now… if you like Ad Astra, I salute you. That’s another issue entirely and more power to you. Far be it from me to tell others what they should enjoy or not. But I tend to like at least a little plausible science in my science fiction. And there isn’t much of that here.
If you called this film Tom Corbett: Space Cadet with 1950s-style production design a la Forbidden Planet, I’d probably just go with it. (With sincere apologies to the Tom Corbett fans among you.) But for a film that aspires to be the most accurate space film ever... fuck this